The best birthdays of all are those that haven't arrived yet.

Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!

What bothers me about TV is that it tends to take our minds off our minds.

A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.

More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.

In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.

I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food.