Do you realize that in the past sixty years, the only foreigners the French have been able to drive out are American tourists?

For Father's Day, my kids always give me a bottle of cologne called English Leather. It's appropriate! To them I always smell like a wallet.

What bothers me about TV is that it tends to take our minds off our minds.

Thanks to modern medicine we are no longer forced to endure prolonged pain, disease, discomfort and wealth.

Here's to all volunteers, those dedicated people who believe in all work and no pay.

The secret of writing comedy is to know where it's all going, then get ahead of it.

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.