With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal!

I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.

I love to watch those old movies on late-night television, particularly when a couple get up from a champagne dinner in a posh restaurant and the hero hands the waiter $3. But the best part is when he says, "Keep the change."

Humor starts like a wildfire, but then continues on, smoldering, smoldering for years.

Did you ever get to wondering if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?

There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.

Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.