With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal!

Lincoln was known to have walked miles to borrow books, to get the most rudimentary form of education. So what do we do on his birthday? We close the schools!

In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.

I love to watch those old movies on late-night television, particularly when a couple get up from a champagne dinner in a posh restaurant and the hero hands the waiter $3. But the best part is when he says, "Keep the change."

To reduce stress, avoid excitement. Spend more time with your spouse.

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.

The best birthdays of all are those that haven't arrived yet.