Successful salesman: someone who has found a cure for the common cold shoulder.

What bothers me about TV is that it tends to take our minds off our minds.

Did you hear about the woman who sent out 40,000 Valentine Cards doused in perfume and signed, "Guess Who?" She's a divorce lawyer.

It's amazing how important your job is when you want the day off - and how unimportant it is when you want a raise.

Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.

Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.

There are only two kinds of people in this world. The realists and the dreamers. The realists know where they are going and the dreamers have already been there.