Do your kids a favor - don't have any.

I love to watch those old movies on late-night television, particularly when a couple get up from a champagne dinner in a posh restaurant and the hero hands the waiter $3. But the best part is when he says, "Keep the change."

Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.

I should warn you that underneath these clothes I'm wearing boxer shorts and I know how to use them.

With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal!

The true test of humility is whether you can say grace before eating crow.

It's an awful thing to grow old by yourself. My wife hasn't had a birthday in seven years.