A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.

Do you realize what would happen if Moses were alive today? He'd go up to Mount Sinai, come back with the Ten Commandments, and spend the next eight years trying to get published.

They say kids today don't know the value of a dollar. They certainly do know the value of a dollar. That's why they ask for five.

Successful salesman: someone who has found a cure for the common cold shoulder.

With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal!

I love to watch those old movies on late-night television, particularly when a couple get up from a champagne dinner in a posh restaurant and the hero hands the waiter $3. But the best part is when he says, "Keep the change."

When we laugh we temporarily give ourselves over to the person who makes us laugh.