I feel that if God had really wanted us to have enough oil, he would never have given us a Department of Energy.

It's amazing how important your job is when you want the day off - and how unimportant it is when you want a raise.

With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal!

For Father's Day, my kids always give me a bottle of cologne called English Leather. It's appropriate! To them I always smell like a wallet.

My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.

We have enough people who tell it like it is - now we could use a few who tell it like it can be.

I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food.