Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.

Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Vacation: When you spend thousands of dollars to see what rain looks like in different parts of the world.

Did you hear about the woman who sent out 40,000 Valentine Cards doused in perfume and signed, "Guess Who?" She's a divorce lawyer.

A toast to the weapons of war, may they rust in peace.

It's amazing how important your job is when you want the day off - and how unimportant it is when you want a raise.