What bothers me about TV is that it tends to take our minds off our minds.

I remember when humor was gentle pokes. I used to call it 'arm around the shoulder' humor. Now they go for the jugular and they take no prisoners. It's mean, mean stuff.

The chance to be seen as a warm, witty guy is too good an opportunity for a politician to miss.

Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price.

There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.

I had a terrible fight with my wife on New Year's Eve. She called me a procrastinator. So I finished addressing the Christmas cards and left.

Successful salesman: someone who has found a cure for the common cold shoulder.