It's amazing how important your job is when you want the day off - and how unimportant it is when you want a raise.

I had a terrible fight with my wife on New Year's Eve. She called me a procrastinator. So I finished addressing the Christmas cards and left.

Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't.

Did you hear about the woman who sent out 40,000 Valentine Cards doused in perfume and signed, "Guess Who?" She's a divorce lawyer.

Realists know where they're going. Dreamers have already been there.

A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.

My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.