It's amazing how important your job is when you want the day off - and how unimportant it is when you want a raise.

For Father's Day, my kids always give me a bottle of cologne called English Leather. It's appropriate! To them I always smell like a wallet.

A toast to the weapons of war, may they rust in peace.

There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.

If at first you don't succeed-try, try again. Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as timed-release success.

It's an awful thing to grow old by yourself. My wife hasn't had a birthday in seven years.

Live your life so that if someone says 'Be yourself' it's good advice.