It's amazing how important your job is when you want the day off - and how unimportant it is when you want a raise.

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.

Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?

The secret of writing comedy is to know where it's all going, then get ahead of it.

I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.

An economist is someone who knows all the answers to last years' questions.

I should warn you that underneath these clothes I'm wearing boxer shorts and I know how to use them.