Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.

It's an awful thing to grow old by yourself. My wife hasn't had a birthday in seven years.

Happiness is contagious. Be a carrier!!

I understand the big food companies are developing a tearless onion. I think they can do it - after all, they've already given us tasteless bread.

The true test of humility is whether you can say grace before eating crow.

I don't want to say anything about my kids...but I go to PTA meetings under an assumed name!

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.