Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.

They say kids today don't know the value of a dollar. They certainly do know the value of a dollar. That's why they ask for five.

Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.

More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.

Thanks to modern medicine we are no longer forced to endure prolonged pain, disease, discomfort and wealth.

I'm beginning to wonder about my broker. Yesterday I told him to buy a hundred shares of A.T.&T. He said, 'Would you spell that?'

Sports like baseball, basketball, and hockey develop muscles. That's why Americans have the strongest eyes in the world.