There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.

I'm beginning to wonder about my broker. Yesterday I told him to buy a hundred shares of A.T.&T. He said, 'Would you spell that?'

When we laugh we temporarily give ourselves over to the person who makes us laugh.

I feel that if God had really wanted us to have enough oil, he would never have given us a Department of Energy.

Lincoln was known to have walked miles to borrow books, to get the most rudimentary form of education. So what do we do on his birthday? We close the schools!

I had a terrible fight with my wife on New Year's Eve. She called me a procrastinator. So I finished addressing the Christmas cards and left.

There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.