I had a terrible fight with my wife on New Year's Eve. She called me a procrastinator. So I finished addressing the Christmas cards and left.

I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food.

Successful salesman: someone who has found a cure for the common cold shoulder.

If at first you don't succeed-try, try again. Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as timed-release success.

Did you hear about the woman who sent out 40,000 Valentine Cards doused in perfume and signed, "Guess Who?" She's a divorce lawyer.

Sports like baseball, basketball, and hockey develop muscles. That's why Americans have the strongest eyes in the world.

Noise pollution is a relative thing. In a city, it's a jet plane taking off. In a monastery, it's a pen that scratches.