I had a terrible fight with my wife on New Year's Eve. She called me a procrastinator. So I finished addressing the Christmas cards and left.

Planned obsolescence is not really a new concept. God used it with people.

I feel that if God had really wanted us to have enough oil, he would never have given us a Department of Energy.

They're combining that new fertility drug with a birth control pill for people who don't want triplets.

I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food.

The secret of writing comedy is to know where it's all going, then get ahead of it.

I love to watch those old movies on late-night television, particularly when a couple get up from a champagne dinner in a posh restaurant and the hero hands the waiter $3. But the best part is when he says, "Keep the change."