Lincoln was known to have walked miles to borrow books, to get the most rudimentary form of education. So what do we do on his birthday? We close the schools!

I may be forty, but every morning when I get up, I feel like a twenty-year-old. Unfortunately, there's never one around.

I understand the big food companies are developing a tearless onion. I think they can do it - after all, they've already given us tasteless bread.

I value people with a conscience. It's like a beeper from God.

A toast to the weapons of war, may they rust in peace.

Sports like baseball, basketball, and hockey develop muscles. That's why Americans have the strongest eyes in the world.

The chance to be seen as a warm, witty guy is too good an opportunity for a politician to miss.