A sigh is an amplifier for people who suffer in silence.

These detective series on TV always end at precisely the right moment-after the criminal is arrested and before the court turns him loose.

Don't smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much or work too much. We're all on the road to the grave - but there's no need to be in the passing lane.

I don't want to say anything about my kids...but I go to PTA meetings under an assumed name!

Do your kids a favor - don't have any.

Did you hear about the woman who sent out 40,000 Valentine Cards doused in perfume and signed, "Guess Who?" She's a divorce lawyer.

Lincoln was known to have walked miles to borrow books, to get the most rudimentary form of education. So what do we do on his birthday? We close the schools!