I should warn you that underneath these clothes I'm wearing boxer shorts and I know how to use them.

Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't.

My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.

In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.

I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.

Successful salesman: someone who has found a cure for the common cold shoulder.