The next time you feel like complaining, remember that your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30 percent of the people in the world

There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.

I should warn you that underneath these clothes I'm wearing boxer shorts and I know how to use them.

There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.

I had a terrible fight with my wife on New Year's Eve. She called me a procrastinator. So I finished addressing the Christmas cards and left.

I value people with a conscience. It's like a beeper from God.

These detective series on TV always end at precisely the right moment-after the criminal is arrested and before the court turns him loose.