The next time you feel like complaining, remember that your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30 percent of the people in the world

Thanks to modern medicine we are no longer forced to endure prolonged pain, disease, discomfort and wealth.

An economist is someone who knows all the answers to last years' questions.

I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food.

Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.

I had a terrible fight with my wife on New Year's Eve. She called me a procrastinator. So I finished addressing the Christmas cards and left.

Did you hear about the woman who sent out 40,000 Valentine Cards doused in perfume and signed, "Guess Who?" She's a divorce lawyer.