I don't see why religion and science can't cooperate. What's wrong with using a computer to count our blessings?

They say kids today don't know the value of a dollar. They certainly do know the value of a dollar. That's why they ask for five.

Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.

I had a terrible fight with my wife on New Year's Eve. She called me a procrastinator. So I finished addressing the Christmas cards and left.

Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?

They're combining that new fertility drug with a birth control pill for people who don't want triplets.

I may be forty, but every morning when I get up, I feel like a twenty-year-old. Unfortunately, there's never one around.