For Father's Day, my kids always give me a bottle of cologne called English Leather. It's appropriate! To them I always smell like a wallet.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

A sigh is an amplifier for people who suffer in silence.

Lincoln was known to have walked miles to borrow books, to get the most rudimentary form of education. So what do we do on his birthday? We close the schools!

Happiness is contagious. Be a carrier!!

The secret of writing comedy is to know where it's all going, then get ahead of it.

With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal!