For Father's Day, my kids always give me a bottle of cologne called English Leather. It's appropriate! To them I always smell like a wallet.

Lincoln was known to have walked miles to borrow books, to get the most rudimentary form of education. So what do we do on his birthday? We close the schools!

The secret of writing comedy is to know where it's all going, then get ahead of it.

Do you realize that in the past sixty years, the only foreigners the French have been able to drive out are American tourists?

We have enough people who tell it like it is - now we could use a few who tell it like it can be.

Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!

The best birthdays of all are those that haven't arrived yet.