Have you noticed when you go on a diet, the first thing you lose is your temper.

My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.

I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

Thanks to modern medicine we are no longer forced to endure prolonged pain, disease, discomfort and wealth.

With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal!