Have you noticed when you go on a diet, the first thing you lose is your temper.

I remember when humor was gentle pokes. I used to call it 'arm around the shoulder' humor. Now they go for the jugular and they take no prisoners. It's mean, mean stuff.

My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.

Thanks to modern medicine we are no longer forced to endure prolonged pain, disease, discomfort and wealth.

There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.

A compliment is verbal sunshine.

To reduce stress, avoid excitement. Spend more time with your spouse.