I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.

Did you hear about the woman who sent out 40,000 Valentine Cards doused in perfume and signed, "Guess Who?" She's a divorce lawyer.

Did you ever get to wondering if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?

I understand the big food companies are developing a tearless onion. I think they can do it - after all, they've already given us tasteless bread.

I value people with a conscience. It's like a beeper from God.

A compliment is verbal sunshine.

To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.