I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.

The next time you feel like complaining, remember that your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30 percent of the people in the world

Individuality' is the key to success.

More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.

Noise pollution is a relative thing. In a city, it's a jet plane taking off. In a monastery, it's a pen that scratches.

Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!

Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.