I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.

Did you hear about the woman who sent out 40,000 Valentine Cards doused in perfume and signed, "Guess Who?" She's a divorce lawyer.

I don't see why religion and science can't cooperate. What's wrong with using a computer to count our blessings?

If you can get someone to laugh with you, they will be more willing to identify with you, listen to you. It parts the waters.

A toast to the weapons of war, may they rust in peace.

Vacation: When you spend thousands of dollars to see what rain looks like in different parts of the world.

Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!