I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.

These detective series on TV always end at precisely the right moment-after the criminal is arrested and before the court turns him loose.

The true test of humility is whether you can say grace before eating crow.

Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.

I understand the big food companies are developing a tearless onion. I think they can do it - after all, they've already given us tasteless bread.

Lincoln was known to have walked miles to borrow books, to get the most rudimentary form of education. So what do we do on his birthday? We close the schools!

I may be forty, but every morning when I get up, I feel like a twenty-year-old. Unfortunately, there's never one around.