My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.

Did you hear about the woman who sent out 40,000 Valentine Cards doused in perfume and signed, "Guess Who?" She's a divorce lawyer.

Realists know where they're going. Dreamers have already been there.

A sigh is an amplifier for people who suffer in silence.

I understand the big food companies are developing a tearless onion. I think they can do it - after all, they've already given us tasteless bread.

It's amazing how important your job is when you want the day off - and how unimportant it is when you want a raise.

Don't smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much or work too much. We're all on the road to the grave - but there's no need to be in the passing lane.