My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.

In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.

The secret of writing comedy is to know where it's all going, then get ahead of it.

Do you realize that in the past sixty years, the only foreigners the French have been able to drive out are American tourists?

To exercise is human; not to is divine.

The chance to be seen as a warm, witty guy is too good an opportunity for a politician to miss.

All that means is that something devastating can happen to you today or to your family & all you can do is cry about it or panic or just be grief-stricken about it; but a year or two from now or maybe ten years from now, or maybe two months or two days, you might be able to see the humor in that problem.