It's an awful thing to grow old by yourself. My wife hasn't had a birthday in seven years.

I love to watch those old movies on late-night television, particularly when a couple get up from a champagne dinner in a posh restaurant and the hero hands the waiter $3. But the best part is when he says, "Keep the change."

I understand the big food companies are developing a tearless onion. I think they can do it - after all, they've already given us tasteless bread.

A compliment is verbal sunshine.

I remember when humor was gentle pokes. I used to call it 'arm around the shoulder' humor. Now they go for the jugular and they take no prisoners. It's mean, mean stuff.

To exercise is human; not to is divine.

Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.