Do you realize what would happen if Moses were alive today? He'd go up to Mount Sinai, come back with the Ten Commandments, and spend the next eight years trying to get published.

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.

Happiness is contagious. Be a carrier!!

I should warn you that underneath these clothes I'm wearing boxer shorts and I know how to use them.

I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.

Sports like baseball, basketball, and hockey develop muscles. That's why Americans have the strongest eyes in the world.

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.