Do you realize what would happen if Moses were alive today? He'd go up to Mount Sinai, come back with the Ten Commandments, and spend the next eight years trying to get published.

My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.

I value people with a conscience. It's like a beeper from God.

The next time you feel like complaining, remember that your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30 percent of the people in the world

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.

With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal!

Did you hear about the woman who sent out 40,000 Valentine Cards doused in perfume and signed, "Guess Who?" She's a divorce lawyer.