Here's to all volunteers, those dedicated people who believe in all work and no pay.

I had a terrible fight with my wife on New Year's Eve. She called me a procrastinator. So I finished addressing the Christmas cards and left.

Did you hear about the woman who sent out 40,000 Valentine Cards doused in perfume and signed, "Guess Who?" She's a divorce lawyer.

If you can get someone to laugh with you, they will be more willing to identify with you, listen to you. It parts the waters.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Lincoln was known to have walked miles to borrow books, to get the most rudimentary form of education. So what do we do on his birthday? We close the schools!

Have you noticed when you go on a diet, the first thing you lose is your temper.