I had my back waxed once by two women... and at one point they said, Do you mind if we take a break?

She is not perfect. You are not perfect. The question is whether or not you are perfect for each other

But only in their dreams can men be truly free. It was always thus and always thus will be.

Comedy is there to basically show us we fart, we laugh, to make us realize we still are part animal.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

I've always improvised, and stand-up was this great release. All of a sudden, it was just me and the audience.

After I quit drinking, I realized I am the same asshole I always was; I just have fewer dents in my car.