Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.

You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.

I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.

At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.