Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.

I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.