Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.