Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.

One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.

He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.

Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.