I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.

My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.