I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.

I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

my wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.