I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.

To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.

At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.