I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

Life's a short trip. You'll find out.

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.

I don't get no respect, no respect at all!

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.