I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.