My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.

I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.