My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!