My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.

I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.

I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.