My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

Hey, did somebody step on a duck?

I can't get no respect.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!