My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.

I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide.

My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.