With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.

My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!

Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!