With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'

I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.

She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).