With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.

I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.

Comedy is a camouflage for depression.

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.