With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.

I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.

It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.