With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.

My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.

I can't get no respect.

I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.

My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!