What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

I can't get no respect.

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!