What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.

My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.