I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid!

I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.

I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.

When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.