I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.