I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.

Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.

Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.

When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles