I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.

I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".