I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.

Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.