I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.