Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!

I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.