Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!

They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.

All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.