I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!