I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.