I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.'

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!

She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.