I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.

My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.

A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.

She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.

You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.