I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.

I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.

It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.