I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.

One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.