I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!