I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.