I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

School is a place were you go to eat your lunch

I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.