In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.

To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!