In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.

I was a poster child... for birth control!

Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.