In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.