Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.

I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.

Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.