Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.

It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.

Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.

my wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!