I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.

I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.

My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.