I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.

I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.

I don't get no respect, no respect at all!

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.