I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.

My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'