I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!

I started over again with an image: Nothing goes right. Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, Show respect. With me, you show respect. So I changed the image to I don't get no respect. I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me. The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, Me, too - I don't get no respect. I figured, let's try it again.

I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.