My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!
Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.
Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks.
Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'
We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.