I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.