I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.