I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.

When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.