I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.

I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.

I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother

I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.

I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.

Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.

Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.