I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I have three kids, one of each.

We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.