I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.

Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid!