When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

I started over again with an image: Nothing goes right. Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, Show respect. With me, you show respect. So I changed the image to I don't get no respect. I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me. The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, Me, too - I don't get no respect. I figured, let's try it again.

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.

I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.