When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.

At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.

My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.