When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!