When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.