When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.

My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.