When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'

With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.

my wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.

I don't get no respect, no respect at all!