What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.

It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.

His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.

You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.