What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

My wife gives good headache.