What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.