What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.