My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.