My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.

After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through a really rough twenty-five years, but it happened again. I fell in love. I told her, Baby, I don't want a prenuptial agreement. This is it. Everyone told me I was nuts. Well, my new wife and I are married six years and we get along great. You can make anything work if you're both givers.

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.