My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?

I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.