My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.

My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.