My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.

Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.