My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !

My wife gives good headache.

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.