At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.

I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!

I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.

When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.