At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.

My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.

My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.

...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.