At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.