At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.

When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.