When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.

Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.

My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.