When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.

They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

Comedy is a camouflage for depression.

Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!