When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.

When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.

My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.

It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.

My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.