My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.