My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?

Life's a short trip. You'll find out.

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?

I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.

I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!