My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?

At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.

With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.

I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.