My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?

My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.