My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.

I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.

At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.