My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.