My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

Man, who don't like spaghetti?

When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.

I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.

I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.