I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.

My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.

I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.

When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.

My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.

You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.

I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.