I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!