I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.

I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother

I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.