I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.

I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.

I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.